How NOT to Win Friends and Influence People

The awkwardness of my life, captured in a single frame.

Y'all. Everyone's aware of my propensity for finding myself in awkward situations, right? (For a refresher course, go here. And here. Aaaaand here.) I'm beginning to believe my life could be used as a cautionary tale for the borderline socially inept.

So as my gift to you, I thought I'd provide a little primer on how to avoid social awkwardness.

How NOT to Win Friends and Influence People: A 4-Part Case Study

1. When meeting a well-respected leader (and published author) in your sector, it's probably  a good call not to call yourself and your colleague "groupies" just because you've attended his book signing and a his keynote presentation all in one week. This is especially true when said leader has a notoriously dry sense of humor and said colleague is congenially trying to engage the man in a conversation about the good work our organization is doing. Also? Laughing really loud to cover the awkwardness might scare him off.

2. Setting: Delicious little lunch spot with a female friend.
Wait staff: "What can I get you for lunch?"
Female friend: "I'll have the tuna melt on wheat, with no onions, please."
Wait staff: "Sounds good." *Looks at me* "And you?
Me: "Actually, I'll have the exact same thing. Wouldn't want to ruin that fierce makeout session we're going to have after lunch with the onions, amiright?"
Female friend: "I'm sure the two priests sitting directly behind you and staring totally agree..."
<fin.>

3. When you feel something fall onto your back from the ceiling, it's probably the most prudent course of action to NOT assume it's a giant, disgusting bug falling on you, and more accurately assume it's only a rubber band shot at you by a well-meaning coworker... thus preventing squealing, awkward flailing, and the shedding of cardigans in the middle of your office.

4. If your colleague is standing with her back to you in the doorway of a cubical, it's advisable NOT to wind up and slap her on the ass, because inevitably  she will squeal, turn around and say, "Have you met our newest intern? I was just going over some HR policies with her..."


You're welcome.